Moffat's Struggle
by StAlia
Summary: This isn't actually really a Doctor who fanfiction. It's a piece of writing based around Doctor Who's executive producer Steven Moffat. A real-world fanfiction, I guess you could call it. It also contains elements of parody of other fanfictions, and of the characters themselves
1. Boom

"No, you listen here, Mark: If I say we cast the hot girl from the audition as Moriaty's long lost identical twin sister, then that's what we do. I don't want to hear your whining about 'That's not how identical twins work' or 'That makes no sense at all'."

"But, Steven," the phone crackered "It's just a ridiculous idea-"

"YOU'RE A RIDICULOUS FUCKING IDEA! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WRITE THE FUCKING EPISODE!" Before a response could come, Steven Moffat threw down the phone. It was a Nokia Lumia 920- expensive- and it broke as it hit the table. The Moff didn't care though. He would buy another.

"Gatiss giving you trouble again?" asked Matt Smith as he wandered into the room.

"The man gets one BBC Four documentary three years ago and he still thinks he's god's gift to writing."

"To be fair, the documentary was pretty interesting, and the other stuff he's written was-" Matt faltered as Steven fixed him with a steely glare. "Sorry, Steven, I meant to say... uhh... he's shit?"

"You're damn right. Compared to me, everyone is shit."

Matt nodded, knowing that it was probably best for his career that he stay on the executive producer's good side. One wrong word in front of Moffat and he could say goodbye to kissing every attractive companion his Doctor had.

"Anyway, Matt, what did you want to see me about?"  
"Right. The thing is, I've been reading some magazines, some newspapers-"

"Never read reviews."  
"Yeah, I know, I wasn't. I was reading some rumours they were printing-

"I read a review once."

"Ok, that's great, but-"

"The reviewer said my writing was 'overly complicated'"

"Yeah, the thing is, they were saying that-"

"He doesn't write for that paper anymore."

"What?"

"Let's just say," Moffat leaned back in his chair, and arched his fingers "He doesn't write for _life_ anymore"

"What does that even mean?" Matt muttered beneath his breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering, you see, there are all these rumours going around that I'm going to be leaving Who soon."

"You don't know if you are."

"Well, yeah, that's kind of the thing. You know that I want to stay around for at least a few more years, but when I read things like that, I get kind of worried that you're planning to write me out. You know, have a regeneration."

"You don't know if you're going."

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying-"

Moffat leaned forward, looking Matt dead in the eye. "You know who does know?"

"I... uh..."

"The papers don't know." Moffat jabbed a finger into Matt's chest "You don't know." He brought the finger back pointing to himself. "I know. I'm the only one who knows."

"I know you are, that's why I came to ask you."

"You could be the Doctor for years to come. Or, one flash of my fingers across my keyboard and boom..." Moffat threw his hands up into the air, symbolising an explosion, and brought them down slowly, his fingers waving like confetti falling in a light breeze. Matt sat, watching Moffat's hands, entranced by the inanity of what was happening. "The Doctor gets trapped in an Ood sex dungeon, and we roll on number twelve"  
Matt waited for Moffat to go on, but he didn't. He just sat there, staring the actor in the eye unnervingly. This lasted for an uncomfortably long moment, before Moffat finally spoke "Does that answer your question?"

"No... no it doesn't" Matt said quietly.

"Excellent. I'll see you on set tomorrow."


	2. Inspection Day

"What do mean, she thinks she's pregnant? You two never even _did the timewarp_, if you know what I mean, did you?" A hint of jealousy crept into Moffat's voice, and he hoped that the microphone of his new Nexus 4 phone wouldn't pick it up.

"I don't know man, she seems to have gone kind of crazy. You know Kazza, she was always a bit odd, but I think she's completely lost it."

"Yeah, she is a bit of strange one," Moffat said, "Is that why you two had that latent sexual attraction to one another?"

"What?!"  
"Try watching Confidential sometime, you'll know what I mean. I say just humour her, she's probably just a bit depressed. Poor girl just wants some attention after she lost her job" Moffat cackled briefly.

"I guess, I'm just a little worried. She wants to have a doctor look at her-"

Matt was interrupted as Moffat accidentally pressed the "End Call" software button with his face. "Fucking piece of shit" Moffat muttered as he realised what he had done. He crushed the phone in his palm, and threw the wreckage into a nearby bin.

Moffat sauntered onto his new TARDIS set. He ripped open his packet of Doritos as the production designer ran forwards to him.

"Hey, Moffat, you here for that tour then?" The production designer whimpered as he spoke, almost grovelling.

Moffat said nothing, nodding as he munched through a handful of tangy cheese Doritos.

The production designer lead Moffat over to the main TARDIS console. He smiled nervously.

"As you can see, we tried to go for a new direction in the overall style of the thing, but still taking into account Matt's personality as the Doctor..." The man's voice trailed off as Moffat silently reached forwards and begun toying with the controls. "Also, everything is very dynamic, it can all be played with, which looks great on camera." Moffat still said nothing as he moved around the console, inspecting the other side. The production designer gasped in shock and called a gaffer over to clean up the Doritos crumbs left on the controls. He moved around to talk to Moffat again, picking up the empty crisp packet that had been dropped on the floor. Moffat was pulling on a lever on the panel. "We've also got a whole new lighting rig," the designer went on. Moffat yanked hard and pulled a section of the console clean off.

"What's your name?" Moffat asked, as he opened out a packet of Cool Original Doritos.

"Harrison, sir" The production designer stammered.

"Well Harrison," Moffat said, gesturing to the broken set. "Looks like somebody's getting fired. Do you think it's me?"

"What... no?"  
"I don't think it's me. I wonder whose decision it is who's getting fired.

The designer, struck by fear, didn't speak. Moffat looked around him, like a character in a pantomime.

"I would have though it would be the executive producer's job to fire people, wouldn't you? Do you seem him around?" Moffat mused.

Moffat continued to search the set for someone in a ridiculous, over the top way.

"Uhm... aren't you the exec?"

"Oh right, I am. You're fired."

"Wha-What?!"

"_From life_." whispered Moffat, too quietly for anyone to hear.

"You... You fired me?!"

Moffat threw his now empty blue Doritos packet in the man's face.

"I did."


	3. The Angriest of Birds

"James Cameron did it in Avatar. I want to do it for this episode."

"But Steven, we just don't have that kind of budget. Cameron had, like, two hundred million dollars. This is the BBC."

Moffat rued that he hadn't chosen the Facetime option on his new iPhone 5 for this call, which would have allowed him to glare menacingly at the weaselly visual effects coordinator on the other end of the call.

"Motion capturing is just an expensive process. It's-"

"I want it."

"Yes, Steven, I understand that, it's just... I still don't really get what you want it for..."  
"I want to create two Doctors for the new episode. One actually played by Matt, and one CGI one based on his motion captured performance."  
"Ok, but-"

"We need that Avatar-tech to make the CGI one look as realistic as possible. I want people to not be able to tell which one is real and which one is special effects."

"But... we don't even need the mocapping for that. Don't you remember that episode with the Gangers? We made two Matts with some much simpler camera and editing techniques."

"Fine, we'll do that. But I still want it for the other thing.

"We already discussed this. Using glove puppets doesn't have the same on-screen effect as a multi-million dollar state of the art motion capture system._"_

Moffat hung up. He was a busy man, an ideas man, and he didn't have time to tackle with the problems of the hows and whys. Besides, it was a Monday, and Moffat didn't like Mondays.

There was a knock on the door to Moffat's office. "You may enter" He bellowed. Matt Smith walked in and sat down.

"What's up?" Moffat asked.

"I don't know man, Karen's gone batshit insane."

"In what way?"

"She's insisting that she is pregnant with my child. Apparently some crazy homeless woman listened to her stomach and now she's claiming that was a doctor and the pregnancy has been confirmed. We never even had sex. I don't know what to do."

Moffat nodded.

"So... do you have any suggestions?"

Moffat narrowed his eyes conspiratorially.

"If you like, I could arrange for her not to bother you any more.

"What do you mean by that, like, a restraining order?"

"More along the lines of restrained... _from life..."_

"I don't want her to get into any trouble, I mean, she's still Kaz."

"Just roll with it, if she thinks she's pregnant with your child you might at least get a blow job out of it."

"What the-"

"You may leave now."

Matt stared at Moffat open mouthed for a few moments, and then decided it was probably for the best if he just left.

Moffat went back to his iPhone, starting up a game of Angry Birds. He already had three stars on every single level, a feat which he had achieved within eight minutes of downloading the game, but he liked to play the game casually to relax every now and then. He was in the midst of breaking every single score record ever when his game was interrupted by a text message. He just had time to see that it was from Jenna-Louise Coleman before his rage overtook him and threw the phone through the wall, into the office of Russell T Davies. The phone broke on impact with the ex-showrunner's collection of deus ex machina script endings.


	4. I Still Think Tennant Was The Best xD

"Look, Matt. I thought it would be funny at first, but it really does sound like it's getting worse."

"Absolutely, Steven. She was telling me about how she's made herself a cravings box, and how big her bump is getting."

"Didn't she say she only got pregnant like a few days ago?"  
"I don't even know anymore."  
"I think the best thing to do is to just cut off all communication with her. Besides, you have a new companion to build a sexual tension with."  
"What?"  
"Actually, we don't do Confidential any longer, forget about that. Keep your hands off her."

"Steven, I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Good, good. Off you go, I've got work to do."  
"Alright... I guess. I'll catch you on set tomorrow, okay?"

"It's Jenna's first shoot, isn't it?"  
"Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it."

Moffat sat back in his chair, thinking.

"Me too... me too..."

Matt raised his eyebrow, but decided to leave it there, and left Moffat's office. Moffat returned his attention to his computer, where he was working on the 50th anniversary script. He wrote a few lines, in which it was revealed that nothing was what the audience thought it was, and decided he would have a break. He was about to get up to go for a walk, when his phone rang. He picked up his Sony Xperia Z, looking at the screen. "David Tennant", it read. Moffat answered.

"Hey Russel," said David.

"I'm Steven. Russel T Davies left years ago."

"Right, whatever. I heard you wanted to get me back for the 50th anniversary."

"Yeah. I thought it would be a nice nod to the old series, where they did multiple doctor stories."

"Can I make out with Kylie Minogue again?"

"...no, David. No you can't."

"Well, what about that new companion, Amy Pound, or whatever her name is. Can I make out with her?"  
"Pond. She's not even the companion any more, David."

"Yeah right. Thing is, I don't really watch the show any more. Can I at least have Billie back. She wanted my sonic screwdriver, if you know what I mean."

"I don't think it would really work to have Rose come back-"

"She comes back and we make out or I won't do the show" David interrupted. Moffat grimaced. He didn't like being interrupted.

"Fine. I'll write her in."

"Thanks, man. I can't wait to be back on the show. I've been reading some websites about Doctor Who. You know, it was really a big hit with the ladies. It'll be nice to come back. Get me some of that fangirl poon, you know what I mean, mate."

Before Moffat could even hang up in disgust, he had launched his phone into his office's fish tank. As it sank to the bottom, Moffat realised that the call the had continued. He heard David's voice, muffled through the water. "Hello? Russell, are you there?" He could make out.

"Fucking waterproof phone" Moffat grumbled. "FUCK YOU, DAVID", he shouted at the tank, and left the room to confused looks from his fish.


	5. The T stands for Tyromancy

**This is a much shorter chapter, because it was unplanned. It was inspired by today's Wikipedia front page. It contains quite a few internet based-jokes. Regular service will be resumed in the next chapter.**

"FUCKING WIKIPEDIA'S FUCKING FEATURED ARTICLE?"

"Look, Steven, it's not about how good a writer they are, it's about-". Matt tried to calm Moffat down, but to no avail.

"HOW THE FUCK IS RUSSEL T DAVIES TODAY'S FEATURED ARTICLE? HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN 'FEAR HER'?"

"It's just because-"

"I'm surprised he even has a Wikipedia article at all after that mess."

Moffat's phone rang. He looked at the screen. Russel T Davies's face glared up at him from the screen of his HTC One. Moffat answered the call and put it on speaker.

"FUCK YOU RUSSEL!" He screamed down the phone. The only response from the phone was cackling. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"How does it feel, Steven?" said Davies. "How does it feel to know that right now, millions and millions of people are looking at my face, and reading about me. Wikipedia gets more visitors in one day than your 'Look-at-me-I'm-a-modern-day-Sherlock-Holmes' show will ever get. Tell me, Steven. How does that feel?"  
"YOU TELL ME, RUSSEL, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE TO WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND KNOW THAT YOU WROTE 'LOVE AND MONSTERS'?" Moffat lowered the phone, and whispered to Matt.

"Make fun of him, or you're fired right now."

Matt look startled as Moffat brought the phone back. He hesitated for a moment and decided to ridicule a character from Davies's writing.

"Ooh, look at me, I'm the Abzorbaloff" Matt mocked half-heartedly. "Sorry," he whispered immediately afterwards."

"I'm sorry, Matt, I can't hear you over the sound of people on the internet saying David was better than you" Davies retorted.

"That's just the idiots on Tumblr," said Moffat.

"Speaking of Tumblr," said Davies. "I found this great one recently. It's called 'stfu'-"

"FUCK-"

"hyphen-"

"YOU-"

"Moffat-"

"FUCK-"

"dot-"

"YOU-"

"Tumblr-"

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"dot-"

"UUUUUUUUUCK"

"com."

"YOU!"

The phone was shattered by the acoustical effects of the volume of Moffat's screaming, ending the call.


End file.
